KDIT-CD

John Byner and Petula Clark head downtown to the show; along with classic characters, The Old Folks and Alice Portnoy, TV commercial spoofs and the firing of Donald Duck are on tap tonight.

Crooks buy a restaurant next to a bank.

Mr. Conklin finds a letter from the school board to the previous principal chastising him for his tyrannical rule. Fearing trouble for himself, he institutes a spare the rod policy that fails miserably.

ALF is convinced gangsters are chasing the Tanners' houseguest (Todd Susman). With Max Wright and Anne Schedeen.

ALF's expose earns Willie (Max Wright) a guest spot on a consumer advocate show. David Horowitz appears as himself.

Jesse catches D.J. with a can of beer in her hand at a school dance.

Michelle is jealous when the family baby-sits for a neighbor's infant.

Danny and Joey scheme to retrieve their old fraternity seal from a sorority.

Danny falls asleep while hosting a telethon and leaves the family to run the show.

Mike and Davy are kidnapped in a ghost town. Guest: Rose Marie.

The Monkees try to help a boy keep his pet horse.

Learning about bird watching.

Showcasing the efforts of compassionate individuals helping all kinds of animals in trouble and animal care tips.

A miniature potbellied pig gives a little boy the confidence and comfort he needs to make friends and to be himself; a poodle helps a visually impaired handler.

Jack counts down seven bizarre creatures.

Jesse's grandparents (Jack Kruschen, Vera Lockwood) bring special presents when they visit from Greece.

When Michelle misbehaves, it is up to Danny to discipline her.

Jesse's wardrobe for a cologne commercial is limited to a towel.

Joey and Stephanie go to a mother/daughter slumber party when Becky can't make it.

Greg Needs $150 to record his original song so he convinces his siblings to join him. They notice that Peter's voice is crackling due to puberty and have to decide to record with or without him.

Jan finds a picture of her Aunt Jenny when she was the same age and discovers they are look-alikes.

The loser of Bobby and Greg's bet must do everything the winner says for a week.

The column Peter is writing for the school newspaper is a profitable venture.

The castaways make a silent movie in the hopes that it will be discovered by someone who will rescue them.

Gilligan and the Skipper hear a radio broadcast telling of the collapse of the Howell financial empire.

Two Russian cosmonauts go off course and land in the lagoon. The castaways see this as an opportunity to leave the island, but their visitors have other plans.

The Skipper accidentally creates a radio receiver in Gilligan's mouth.

Gomer wins a boat in a jingle contest, and Carter offers to pay the upkeep and become part owner.

Con artist Friendly Freddy sells Gomer a pearl ring for Lou-Ann.

After an argument, Carter and Bunny turn their attentions toward Lou-Ann and Gomer.

A Latin American military man, observing Carter's platoon, proposes to overthrow him.

This series follows the Clampett family from the Ozarks to posh Beverly Hills after they strike oil and become millionaires. Banker Mr. Drysdale tries to keep them from foolishly spending their newfound wealth, and he also tries to "civilize" them -- usually succeeding in making a fool of himself in the process.

Christine (Markie Post) is suspicious when Harry (Harry Anderson) secretly takes part in a government sting operation. John Astin guest stars.

Harry's (Harry Anderson) sting operation is successful; potential killers run loose in the courthouse. John Astin guest stars as Buddy Ryan.

Roz (Marsha Warfield) falls for Christine's (Markie Post) convict pen pal, unaware that he escaped while on furlough. With Harry Anderson and John Larroquette.

Christine (Markie Post) reluctantly agrees to be Art's date for the Buffalo Lodge Ball. With Harry Anderson and John Larroquette.

While the boys are on a road trip to discover their manhood, Rebecca and Lilith ogle the relief bartender.

A retiring psychic (Georgia Brown) convinces Carla she is clairvoyant and should take over her business.

Norm cannot be moved when he injures his back while painting Frasier and Lilith's apartment.

Cliff prepares for the worst when he introduces his mother to Margaret; Rebecca's fertility plan leaves Sam cold.

Bob succumbs to the pressures of living in a big city and seeks employment at a small rural college.

Bob thinks that Veronica Kidd, a student trainee, has fallen in love with him.

Bob strikes out against a friend's fear of falling, but succumbs to the same phobia himself when he is subjected to a harrowing experience in an elevator.

Bob's memory is taxed to the limit when he forgets that April 15th is the Federal income tax deadline, and also the date of the Hartleys' seventh wedding anniversary.

Max gives an easy assignment to two pupils — follow 99 while she's shopping.

Max has all kinds of trouble hunting for KAOS agent "The Chameleon.".

Sledge and Dori (David Rasche, Anne-Marie Martin) learn that clues to a series of jewel heists lead to a hairdresser. Kurt Paul and Michael Des Barres guest star.

Sledge (David Rasche) attempts to keep the KGB away from a Soviet citizen. Mark Blankfield and Lee Garlington guest star.

Groucho Marx picks apart his guests.

A collection of some of Groucho Marx's best moments on the game show "You Bet Your Life.".

Ozzie is scheduled to speak on Greek history.

Ricky and David get their independence with separate bedrooms.

Norman Curtis, the railroad president, sends his basset hound to the Shady Rest to give him a change of scenery.

Uncle Joe believes an old schoolmate of Kate's is a con artist, instead of the millionaire he says he is.

Rhoda and Brenda are stunned to learn that their parents have separated.

After their mother gets cold feet about looking for her missing husband, Rhoda and Brenda agree to do it in her place.

Ida and Rhoda quarrel over Ida's decision to date a younger man.

Brenda's happiness over Benny's proposal is marred by Ida's refusal to give the two her blessing.

Ann thinks she has a hot stock tip.

Lou hires a pop group with a surprising finale.

Ann cannot find the funds for a class reunion.

A producer hires Ann to help him during a lawsuit.

Lenny and Squiggy impose on Joey Heatherton to read one of their TV scripts.

Laverne has doubts about moving in with her beau after Lenny's surprise visit.

Laverne falls for actor Charles Grodin and mistakes his kindness for romantic interest.

Shirley tries to convince Carmine to be the groom when she is offered a free wedding reception.

Mama develops a crush on her night-school teacher (Joseph Campanella).

The Harpers baby-sit for the minister's grandson.

Mama and Naomi team up for tag-team wrestling.

Iola discovers her handmade gifts to family members are being sold at the Harpers' garage sale.

A female visitor to a country club stirs jealousy in the neighborhood.

Lucy gets involved in a flower show and starts raising tulips.

Geisha Lucy needs money for a string of pearls.

Mr. Mooney entrusts his wife's birthday present to Lucy and Viv.

Lucy poses as a wealthy heiress when she and Viv win a trip to Las Vegas.

Harry loses $100,000 when Lucy angers a rich client.

Lucy is denied a vacation by Harry because of her constant extended lunches and late mornings.

Lucy becomes involved in community affairs and almost gets expelled from the neighborhood.

Lucy and Ethel disguise themselves as hillbillies when the men and women can't decide how to celebrate the Mertzes' 18th wedding anniversary.

A cruise to Australia includes Julie's wedding; an anthropologist seeks a missing link; Stubing romances the anthropologist's wife (Katherine Helmond); Julie is replaced; guests Patrick Duffy, Anthony Andrews.

A cruise to Australia includes Julie's wedding, a search for a creature, a teacher's romance and Julie's replacement.

A young wife orders a water bed. "Love and the Lady Barber" Herb falls for a lady barber.

Gil and Zachary hide out in a big Hollywood studio.

Helen accuses Elaine of trying to seduce her husband; Dick gives Nan a birthday present.

Charlie is hired to keep an eye on a girl. "Love and the Advice Column" Sally is so upset by a column that she calls off her wedding.

Mike and Harold have an argument just before the annual fishing trip.

Sam is embarrassed when his bean crop fails and Millie's prospers.

Mike, Aunt Bee, and Millie join forces to persuade Sam to let Mike have a dog.

An oil-company efficiency expert forces Goober's gas station into a big-city mold.

As new editor of the school newspaper, D.J. must fire the sports editor, Kimmy Gibbler.

Michelle's teacher (Roseanne Katon) gets more than she bargained for when Jesse volunteers at the school.

Joey's father is invited to watch him perform in Wayne Newton's Las Vegas show.

D.J. learns a valuable lesson when she decides to go on a crash diet.

Cindy's dilemma: Having to decide whether to invite her mother or new stepfather to her school play because of the school's undersized auditorium. It becomes too much for her to decide, so she schemes to drop out of the play.

A grandfatherly Chinese (Keye Luke) "adopts" the twins.

Kathy attempts to prove that she's the "woman behind the man.".

The Stones meet celebrities while in Hollywood.

Robbie becomes the school advice-columnist.

Robbie deals to get a car to win a girl.

Enemy agents seeking a secret formula chase Lucy through an airport.

Chris takes a soda-shop job to pay for a parade uniform.

Lucy believes Ricky is losing interest in her. Ethel finds a book that offers suggestions such as: dressing up for breakfast, taking up her husband's hobbies, and surrounding their apartment with things that remind her husband of his childhood.

The Ricardos and Mertzes discover they've put on a few pounds over the last few years. An unhappy Lucy talks Ricky into letting her audition for a show, and he tells her that she can have the part if she loses enough weight to fit the costume.

Laura confesses to Rob that she lied about her age on their marriage certificate.

Lou leaves Mary in charge of the newsroom when he checks into the hospital for minor surgery.

Roger's irresponsible younger brother comes to town to straighten out his life.

Squiggy is jealous of Lenny's relationship with an attractive woman.

April fears she will not pass a citizenship test; a man (Michael J. Fox) dislikes a crew member; a woman plots to snare a bachelor.

Vicki meets a young passenger with a drug problem; Gopher's uncle (Red Buttons) falls in love; a man enters into a competitive romance.

When Granny spies a group of movie actors dressed as Union soldiers, she prepares to go to war with them.

Granny recruits her own commandos against the Union when she thinks battle scenes for a Civil War movie are the real thing.

Vint's embarrassed at work when Mama brings him his childhood lunch box.

A typical Russian homemaker visits the all-American Harper family.

Janet's former husband shows up as she and Lamont prepare for their wedding day.

Fred becomes a clergyman of the Divine Profit Church to avoid paying taxes.

When a crowded subway is invaded by an obnoxious drunk, Mike violates one of his strongest principles.

The Bunker home is ravaged by fire -- then by Archie -- in an effort to collect more insurance money.

Melanie and Jack want to add spice to their relationship; Victoria becomes a vodka spokesperson; Joy's new hairstyle backfires; Elka and Mayor Deacon have an affair.

Joy helps Melanie convince Jenna to attend medical school; Victoria obsesses about a nude scene; Elka takes Lance, the "Councilman for the Day," under her wing.

Laura spends a night alone in the house when Rob and Richie go fishing.

The Petrie home becomes a command post when government agents move in.

Carla's offspring are guinea pigs for Rebecca and Sam; Cliff attempts to videotape Woody and Kelly.

Carla fears that Boston Celtics forward Kevin McHale is turning into one of the bar bunch; Lilith gets a new hairdo.

A couple of cabbies quickly claim responsibility when Elaine begins receiving mysterious love messages from a secret admirer.

Oscar learns that Felix's new girlfriend is not just the librarian he thinks she is.

After striking up a friendly conversation while waiting in line at the bank, Bob is held hostage when the man -- suspected of robbing the bank -- hides out in his office.

Max has to fight his way to the altar to be on time for his wedding.

Ralph tests a hair-growing formula on his boss.

Bilko introduces Army intellectuals to the world of gambling.

Guest Gloria Swanson arrives for the Q&A, but she only has eyes for Lyle; sketches include a "Carol & Sis" where the Bradfords try to discourage an elevator operator who only has eyes for Carol.

A paroled bookie returns to his old ways.

Connie joins the faculty band to be close to the conductor Mr. Boynton.

Confusion reigns when the Nelsons buy two new chairs for the living room.

Ann is trapped during a weekend alone in Brewster.

Jesse has second thoughts about his engagement when his old girlfriend re-enters his life.

Danny's new girlfriend (Debra Sandlund) has a mischievous 11-year-old son (Jordan Christopher Michael).

A love letter intended for D.J. falls into the wrong hands and gets passed around the house.

Jesse and Joey go on a camping trip, leaving Danny behind to run the house.

Alice decides the Bradys no longer need her and prepares to leave.

Bill plays detective after he discovers thefts on a construction site.

Danny attempts to promote the talents of a teenage singer (Brenda Lee), but later realizes her education is more important.

Mary convinces a theater group to let Donna direct.

Mike announces he has found true love.

Chip and his pal Ernie go treasure hunting.

Lucy's date for a swanky party turns out to be a jewel thief.

Lucy finds a way to pay for the volunteer fire department's uniforms.

Ethel uses a deck of cards to tell Lucy's fortune, and when the ace of spades ends up next to Lucy's cards, the redhead is shocked to find out it means death. After misconstruing Ricky's phone conversation, Lucy thinks Ricky is trying to kill her.

After Ricky cuts off her allowance, Lucy goes on the radio show "Females Are Fabulous" to earn money; in order to win the money, she has to make Ricky believe she's been married before.

Rob and Laura, having learned they are not legally married, make plans to elope.

Rhoda returns from a vacation in New York and announces her decision to move there.

Chachi decides to give up his dreams of rock stardom and take a more practical job.

Carmine auditions to play a boxer in a movie after Rhonda convinces her she is right for the part.

An actress (Mary Martin) rekindles romance; a shy man (Ben Murphy) copes with a jealous love; a father-in-law (Milton Berle) meddles.

A landlady plans to sue a tenant; a professor meets his replacement; a magician's daughter falls in love.

Granny thinks she has captured Gen. Grant and sets out to woo him by donning a bathing suit.

Jethro can't get a part in a television series, but Elly's pet ape wins a starring role.

A family war erupts when Vint and Naomi want to switch bedrooms with Bubba.

When Bubba comes home tipsy, Mama is reminded of a drunken incident involving Eunice.

Fearful that his days are numbered, Fred prepares a will and summons everyone to an advance reading.

Fred organizes a protest against a store that discriminates against older citizens.

A game of Scrabble causes a huge fight between Gloria and Mike, forcing Mike to spend the night with Archie.

The newspaper accuses Archie's "Kings of Queens" club of being bigoted, which causes them to fear protests and the loss of their tax-exempt status.

When Melanie feels smothered by Jack, she gets Frankie's help; Victoria's father visits with an announcement; Elka fights off Alex's advances.

Joy's younger sister visits; Melanie helps Victoria write a children's book; Elka and Mamie Sue welcome British royalty.

Rob's autobiography is bought by Alan Brady for a television series.

Rob and Laura are dismayed by Millie's jealousy of their new neighbors.

Sam dispatches Carla to get revenge on John Allen Hill; on horseback, Cliff suffers from pony distress.

Henri (Anthony Cistaro) upsets Woody's apple cart by proposing to Kelly (Jackie Swanson); Frasier turns to the Orient for pain relief.

Fearing that his girlfriend, Zena, will break up with him, Louie finally decides to meet her parents; nervous Louie pays Alex to accompany him and to make sure that he doesn't step out of line.

Oscar's young niece arrives at the apartment in an advanced state of pregnancy after running away from home.

Bob offers to help Carol's husband, Larry, with his travel agency. In return, Larry turns the psychologist's reception area into a mini-Polynesian village.

Smart's new maid is more than she seems, and 99 and the Chief help Max to realize it.

Part 1/2. Hoping to win cash and prizes, Ralph and Ed enter as many box-top contests as they can.

Modeling agencies clamor for Bilko's face.

Paul Sand and Eydie Gormé guest star. Including a salute to movie series such as "Dr. Kildare"; Paul and Eydie join Carol for an outrageous werewolf sketch.

Toody opposes Muldoon for club president.

Connie and Mr. Boynton jeopardize Mr. Conklin's promotion when they mistakenly assume that he is expecting a baby.

Ricky and David want revenge for not being invited to Will's birthday party.

Ann thinks she owes $2600 to the IRS.

D.J. wants to be a working girl, but the cost is her first failing grade.

Danny is out to prove himself when D.J. asks only Jesse and Joey to play at her fund-raiser.

Stephanie fears she will be shunned at school with her new glasses.

Michelle learns about caring for a pet when she wins a goldfish at a carnival.

When Jan develops an allergy, it is feared that she is allergic to her new father.

Bill has to look after the children when French is out of town.

Danny is furious when his landlord doesn't invite him to a party.

Donna proposes a camping trip to placate Jeff.

Chip and Ernie conclude the world is ending.

Bub tries to cover his baldness for a woman's visit.

Lucy teaches Kim about shopping in a supermarket.

Lucy, Viv and their Cub Scout troop head for Washington, D.C.

Lucy wants to be in Ricky's act when an injured Buffo the Clown arrives at her apartment; she performs a slapstick routine with Ricky and a cello, and impersonates a seal; everyone is shocked when a TV network offers her a contract.

To get on the good side of a producer who's interested in hiring Ricky -- and who also happens to be interested in numerology -- Lucy holds a seance, but she has to provide the voice for one of the spirits.

Through Ritchie's toy intercom, Rob and Laura tune in on a conversation at the Helpers.

Upon meeting an old boyfriend and his fiancée, Mary sets off an unexpected chain of events.

Jenny Piccalo spreads a racy rumor about the new girl in school.

The girls avenge their treatment at the hands of a nasty singing star by selling gossip.

The luxury liner sails on a Country Music Jamboree Cruise; guests Mel Tillis, Tanya Tucker, Minnie Pearl, Lulu Roman.

The luxury liner sails on a Country Music Jamboree Cruise; guests Mel Tillis, Tanya Tucker, Minnie Pearl, Lulu Roman.

Granny paints a picture to help Mrs. Drysdale win the Beverly Hills Culture Committee Award.

Despite Granny's protests, Jed hires a housekeeper who quickly gets on Granny's nerves.

Mama is jealous when Iola acquires a new best friend.

Iola, Bubba and Mama fantasize about marriage after attending a wedding. Guest star: Joseph Campanella.

Fred hits a lucky gambling streak when he and Lamont need money to buy the Sanford Arms.

Fred traces his background and is told he is Jewish and a descendant of King Solomon.

Archie and Barney's friendship becomes strained when Archie retaliates after being continually harassed by Barney's unleashed dog. When he accidentally runs the dog over and breaks its leg, he makes matters a lot worse.

Archie is obsessed with possibility of Edith inheriting her cousin's money and silverware, Edith has to convince him why she won't be taking any of it after she has a revealing conversation with Liz's longtime roommate, Veronica.

When Bob helps Joy's grandson deal with a bully, Joy views him in a new light; Melanie is inspired to reconnect with a woman from her past; Victoria tries to keep pace with her younger boyfriend.

Joy competes for Bob's affection; Elka enlists Melanie's help when her affair takes an unexpected turn; Victoria hires a bodyguard.

Laura turns herself into a blonde femme fatale when she fears the romance in her marriage is fading.

Rob dreams he is a sheriff in the Wild West.

Rebecca urges Sam to see a fertility specialist; Frasier faces his own mortality.

Sam and Rebecca ponder what having a baby will be like; Norm and Cliff get cabin fever.

Jim brings his new pet, an over-the-hill racehorse, to the garage.

Oscar becomes a somnambulist and vents his frustrations against Felix while sleepwalking.